all the answers

I would like to meet the person that has all the answers and ask if they are happy having all the answers.

I find myself faced with a 4-day weekend. You’d think I’d be really freakin’ happy. I’m not. The holidays for me felt like the city feels to me now. Electric, connecting, welcoming, mingling, family and friends, eating and eating regret… the before and the aftermath… .

This year I am not fussing over planning, capturing picturesque moments, hustling and bustling… those things gave me comfort… a sense of importance and that felt nice.

I’m currently living in a moment I had deniably imagined myself and it is momentarily hard. Not once did I think about the difficulty of not being constantly with someone… I thought the room to breath would be nice. I have the room but I still long for a lingering and longing glance, the soft breath in concentration, the bare rustling of feet and so much more.

I’ve realized I fantasize a lot of what I think I want and not let what is happening become the fantasy… because, for now, I question a lot of what I want and I have very few answers.

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